Kimchi 101 Completed

To return to the point of this blog, food, here is my kimchi recipe:
(bear in mind that this makes enough kimchi to last a struggling restaurant for a week, so scale it down however you want, I'm too lazy) Also keep in mind that I
never cook using true measurements (not even when I bake), so if you want accuracy hire me as your personal chef and make sure I get full health coverage and a signing bonus...

4 heads Nappa cabbage
4 Tblsp kosher salt

Clean the cabbage and submerge in cold water mixed with the salt overnight in the fridge.

NEXT DAY

1 cup peeled garlic tips removed
2 and 1/2 inch nub of peeled ginger
2 cups assorted chili peppers with ends removed, cut into 1/2 inch pieces (like to use a mixture of Serranos, Jalepenos, Red Finger Chili, and Fresnos, but whatever you have access to fresh will do. Plus you can pick and choose which ones to use based on your desired heat.)
1 cup green onions stalks and stems, cleaned and cut into 1/2 inch pieces
1 cup shallots cleaned and cut into 1/2 inch pieces
1 tblsp kosher salt

Do not get all stressy about the knife cuts on the veg, because the next step involves the greatest shortcut ever.

Puree all that shit together until it smells like really yummy pizza. Unlike most kimchi recipes, I discovered that pureeing the vegetables not only saves time, it adds flavor by reducing the amount of liquid (water) needed to create the kimchi paste.

1 cup dried anchovies
1 cup salted shrimp
2 cups Korean style red pepper flakes

Add to your veg puree and mush around with your hand. Enjoy the feeling of pulverising their little bodies between your finger tips. If the veg puree did not yield enough liquid to make a paste when the pepper flakes are added, add water a bit at a time until it feels like chunky tomato sauce (Ragu not Prego).

Drain the cabbage leaves, but do not rinse them.
Get a big ass, sterile (very important) container with a tight ass lid.
Put a handful of the kimchi paste in the bottom of said container and top with about 10 or so Nappa leaves. Then swoosh it all around to fully cover the leaves (it should resemble bloodied arctic seals).
Then keep repeating with remaining leaves/paste, being careful to reach the bottom leaves and get the whole mess coated.
Make mud pies...

Clean your kitchen (especially the ceiling!), put the cover on the container, and walk away from it.
For 1-2 days depending on the weather.
Apologize profusely to family members and neighbors.
Tell the nice police officer you are not hiding bodies.
Yell at your spouse that, "If you don't shut up, I'm making Durian pies next week!"
Refrigerate once it takes on a bit of a translucent appearance and smells, you know, fermenty.
Enjoy having kimchi in your house and nose until it seems gross to do so (personal judgement is important here, I eat both fresh and ultra-aged stinky kimchi that most Koreans would say is "bad").

Yup, that's about it.